However, if you must, describe their objectionable behavior in terms of its effect upon you. For
example, if your spouse accuses you of being greedy, respond by saying, "I feel hurt
and frustrated when I hear you say something like that." This lets them know you
do not appreciate the insult, but it does so in a non-judgmental manner that curtails
further quarreling. He is a Harvard-trained negotiator and mediator and the author of Divorce Buddy
System - The Real Secret to a Reasonable Divorce. They'll always be a part of
your life and you don't want them harboring angry feelings about not getting a better
deal.DON'T ramble on about how you didn't mean to hurt your spouse. It vents problems
- it doesn't solve them. Inexperienced negotiators feel more comfortable doing so, but try to
resist this temptation because it leads to deadlock. In divorce, we say now and pay
later. What can we do to make the shoe fit?"DON'T presume to tell your spouse
what is fair. Your spouse definitely expects to get sympathy from you - not the
other way around.DON'T attack your spouse. Doing so leaves the other spouse with thoughts that
they offered too much. We have enough pain as it is and we do not
want the legal system to give us more.We know we could save time and money
if we were able to reach a settlement with our soon-to-be ex, but this is
often impossible. Re-align your thinking to learn air max france your spouse's position rather than automatically resisting it.DO
realize that in order to persuade, you must first transmit the belief that you are
open to persuasion.DO remember that in the course of your negotiations, if you want your
spouse to acknowledge your point of view, you must acknowledge theirs first.DO keep your focus
on the future and not on the past. This is an excellent way to display
sincerity and compassion.DO tread softly at the beginning of your one-on-one divorce settlement conversations. Your
attitude and behavior at the outset set the tone for your entire divorce.DO recognize the
futility of arguing. Dwelling on the past is as helpful as burning down your house
to kill a mouse.DON'TsDON'T ever underestimate the power of an apology.DON'T mention your spouse's harmful
or insulting behavior. To accomplish this efficiently, we have to know how to entice our
partner to agree to a deal that they refuse to agree to. If we don't
learn exactly what to say and do, we may wind up with a divorce that
is unnecessarily difficult and costly.The answer lies in our getting our partner to listen to
reason; and, until now, we didn't know how to give them a reason to listen.
Here's a good example of what not to say: "I've given you my best years
and now, because of you and your tootsie, I'm probably going to end-up being a
bag lady!"DON'T give your spouse a piece of your mind if you hope to nike tn get
peace of mind.More DO'S and DON'TS will be revealed in articles two and three of
this series.J. It also frees you from the distraction and allows the negotiating to resume.DON'T
lose sight of the fact that the law - and not what you wish the
law to be - is the ultimate standard by which your rights or obligations will
be determined.DON'T start at your bottom line. What are the odds of someone ever saying
something like this: "Of course I'll accept your proposal. I would be nuts to question
something you have decreed to be fair."DON'T display a "you owe me" attitude or make
any statements that depict you as a victim. It does not caution us about our
costly tendency to behave at our worst when our settlement chances hinge on our behaving
at our best.Talk is cheap but it is cheap not in divorce. This is the
link that we have been missing since the day divorce was invented.Our spouse's mind opens
from the inside and we have historically tried to open it from the outside.In this
series of articles, we'll examine some little-known, but nonetheless critical, professional negotiation Do's and Don'ts
that enable you to discuss money with your soon-to-be ex without starting a war.These articles
will help you to keep your friendly divorce friendly, and will assist you in limiting
the role of the legal system in your divorce to that of routine approval and
entry.DO'sDO, and this is the biggest DO of all, treat your spouse and everything he
or she says with total respect and understanding. Richard Kulerski is a veteran divorce lawyer
in the Chicago area. Regretfully, neither society nor our life experiences teach us how to
do this.Society is quick to tell us how to act during marriage, but it does
not tell us how to act during divorce. For example, "The problem really isn't you
or me; it's the fact that there isn't enough money to go around. Talking about
it will only prolong the conflict. Your wallet and your sanity are depending on you.DO
use a calm and comforting tone of voice. I don't want a court battle, and
I don't want my divorce to cost an arm and a leg."These are the sentiments
that many of us express during the initial stages of divorce. If you have difficulty
doing this (which is normal for parties in dispute), then fake it. "Fair" is something
that exists in your mind only and is of little importance to your spouse. The
past is what brought you into the conflict. Instead, attack the problem with your spouse.
You don't want your spouse kicking themselves later. Claiming non-malicious intentions never cheers up the
victim.DON'T talk just about yourself and about what you want.DON'T expect sympathy from your spouse.
Deadlock leads to court battles.DON'T say "yes" to a first offer or compromise even if
you think it's a good deal. Part One of Three"I only want what's fair. http://www.DivorceBuddySystem.com.
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